(similar to)
i think something in me broke. i’m not sure when it happened.

it could have been some time in the last 6 years.

in the late of the night, when everyone has gone to sleep, when lights went out and darkness covered the world.

there was an intense pain, and my insides cried “this is too much”, and i cracked.

but something else happened. i think it was Tomorrow.

so i had to struggle through the something else, and didn’t have time to take care of the mess inside.

i wonder who else this has happened to. what do they do about it? it’s hard to know because nobody can see it.

so something shattered, like a glass against the wall, and i don’t know how to patch it back.

maybe there isn’t a way to. maybe no one can.

it’s hard to live with all the broken springs, bolts and nuts. all the feelings shove around, wanting to be heard, and they fight about in my body. that hurts – they don’t like being contained, you see.

with the shards constantly piercing from within, you cannot sleep or think properly. however i move, they are there, jostling about, messing with one another.

something in me broke and i don’t know what to do.

if you do, can you please tell me?

If my grand total of 1 reader has not already noticed, my recent entries have been nothing but text. It was not intentional, but ended up being (now).

The past 2 years, there were so many times I had wished to pour my self out in this place, but couldn’t. Because of that, I suppressed the thoughts, forced them into a little box at a corner of my mind, and tried not to think about them. Eventually, the little box got too full, the thoughts spilled out, and stunted me in unexpected ways. Offline, I lost my “K” (Sputnik Sweetheart reference) - the one person I could talk to about everything and anything - to Reality and had to, not of my choice, stop sharing. The several attempts to connect hurt so much, I simply stopped.. everything. Stopped thinking, stopped feeling (or at least tried to), stopped questioning. Online, social media was destroying my English Language, my thought process, and my faith in beautiful people, thus crippling me further.

I realised I have lost the ability to express myself. Not just that. I have also lost the ability to speak and write properly. My punctuation marks are all over the place; I invent words of my own; my grammar has gone to the dogs; I keep analysing my sentences…

To lessen the misery in me, I have started to write again. Be kind (about my bad English, and to me). For friends, ask me what I mean if you really want to know the ongoings in my life. For those who do not know me well, read on as you may read a fiction novel. Do not assume you know who or what I am referring to in my posts; it will do you nothing good. For those who do not know me at all, welcome here. This blog is only a small part of me; it is not all that I am.

I must think. I must think and I must write, or my soul will dry up and die.

From months ago, unbeknownst to either; unforeseen.

The meeting of fingers, lightly, gently. Eyes locked, begin. Step, step, pause. Step, step, twirl. The music hums softly; we can barely hear it as we tentatively acquaint ourselves to an unheard tempo. One lead, one follow; change roles. Forward, backwards, bend and tilt. A distant ping, a distinct beat. We flow, we glide, our feet slide around in unison. My foot draws a circle, our hands stretch up, I drop. He pulls me up, we face each other, we smile like we share a secret only we know. Others join, we separate, stumble and trip, close back up. A tune plays, there is now a constant bass. We open up, spin, and stare at each other with intensity. The distance close up, we bodywave, our hips and bodies swaying together. Tango, salsa, bachata – we try them all. Slowly, quickly, gently, roughly. He grasps my waist and I leap up to see the strobes of light untouched in the air. I slide back down, inch by inch; we feel each other right down to each nerve ending. Beads of perspiration shine the skin, our breaths come out quick, our hearts pound to the beat, we are alive, we are alive, we are alive —

Unfamiliar territories, interesting unfoldment. Let’s dance.